Cabin in the Woods Live tweet draft.

As per usual, the hashtag “CabinInTheWoods” designates a tweet that made it to Twitter. At 15 min from the end of the movie, I was told to “shut the fuck up will ya” and realized I might have been a bit spoilery. Trying my best to keep this organized and understandable.

What a boring opening to OH MY GOD! #CabinInTheWoods

Yup I dance naked in front of my windows in broad day light when the neighbors can see.

I want that coffee thermos! #CabinInTheWoods

Is this the same facility where Buffy fought that Frankenstein thing? When did I turn on Buffy? #CabinInTheWoods

The stoned guy is my hero.

Dirty old man is HILARIOUS! And Terrifying.

Did I just see a bird fly into a TV? Why is their RV on a giant tv right now?

Two way in the bedroom! #BestCabinTripEver

Joss Whedon found a way to make awkward sexy. Sexual Harassment too.

Creepy house. Best resolution is dirty lakewater.

Nerdy guy making everyone uncomfortable in the office. #ImInAMovie #CabinInTheWoods

Stoner just called a wolf head a moose.

Did that girl just flirt with the *

Drunk girl making out with the werewolf. I think that might be illegal in some states.

If actual teenagers were reciting these lines, they’d be awkward, breathy and uncomfortable. #CabinInTheWoods

Scary movie physics: the inside of mansions are bigger than the outside.

Now he just dicking with us.

She’s a redheaded Buffy!

The stoner thinks he’s dreaming.

This 5th dimensional stuff is exactly what I’ve been jamming on all week! #CabinInTheWoods

We’ve got dirty Buffy and redhead Buffy. Another love-letter to Kitty Pryde. #CabinInTheWoods

Or is that supposed to be Dawn? It should have been Dawn. #CabinInTheWords

Puppeteers. Stoner guy just figured it out.

Drunk Thor. That’s what it looks like Avengers fans! #CabinInTheWoods

When was the last time you were in the woods in the dark? Never been that drunk. Nope.

Crime on Film: Voyeurism. #CabinInTheWoods

Orga–DAGGER IN MY HAND! #CabinInTheWoods

That was probably the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen.

Little Nemo on the bud. #CabinInTheWoods

That guy reminds me of my brother-in-law. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

Nice call back stoner guy!

A real teenage girl would be having an honest-to-God breakdown right now. #CabinInTheWoods

I’d like to see an edit of this movie where we don’t see the lab sequences. #CabinInTheWoods

Aww, don’t kill stoner guy. Ooh, nice Ash moment.

Calling the twist: This is all happening inside the human body, bacteria fighting off an infection. #WhatATwist #CabinInTheWoods

It’s ok baby I got y–BEAR TRAP IN THE BACK! #CabiInTheWoods

Frat boy is invulnerable. #CheatCode #CabinInTheWoods

Meanwhile, in Japan. #CabinInTheWoods

Fred from Angel is a cute lab tech.

Hell’s Locker Room?

Perfect place for an intermission #NeedABeer #CabinInTheWoods

That dirt-biking sequence was better than anything. Ever. #CabinInTheWoods

Scary movie logic: pretty girl *

Finished thought post film: Scary movie logic: pretty girl is also invulnerable.

Nerdy guy makin’ it weird again. Accidentally. No one cares. #ImInThisMovie #CabinInTheWoods

That was the best filmed office party scene .IN. THE. UNIVERSE!!!!

Stoner guy, really? Now stoner kids are our action heroes? He’s still nerding it up.

“Do we want to go down?” “Where else are we gonna go?” Puff on a doob. Hipster chic.




So, what? Does this imply mid-twenties supermodel beauties are someone’s personal nightmare? #CabinInTheWoods

Stoner guy, thank you on the bottom with that little assist zombie arm. #CabinInTheWoods

Finished thought after the movie: Stoner guy, “Thank you on the bottom with that little assist zombie arm.” *wink*

Sorry kids, ritual torture is a sad reality. We can’t kill the ugly ones, are you kidding? They outnumber us like, 10 to 1. Seriously. #CabinInTheWoods

This is a Greek myth, told in a modern way. Pandora’s Box cracking open. #CabinInTheWoods

I’m sure the power will come right back on–GIANT BAT IN THE HALLWAY! #CabinInTheWoods

Oh, yeah, of course, the Clown and Unicorn killing riots of Doube-aught 6. That was a horrible year in the United States of *

Went for a future joke, couldn’t think of a future name for America, gave up.

Cute red head always knows *

I literally cried at the mer man. I. CRIED. *sniff* #DontJudge #CabinInTheWoods


Ooh, Sigourney. Nice.

Typical Whedon. Unbelievable fight. Still loved it.

Creepy girl who’s in everything. Also nice.

Smokin’ a doob at the end of the world. Sounds good.

Ooh, end it on a philosphical note. Nicest.

Wow, they actually did that. That just happened. #CabinInTheWoods
Starred (*) lines are unfinished thoughts.


Dark City Director’s Cut, drunk live tweet

dark city drunk live tweet, rough draft

Oh yes this feels good. Back to doing these things the way they are the funniest. Drink firmly and fulfilovingly, in hand.

I have to right now thank everyone who reads these. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them, if that is in fact possible. #Overthinking #DarkCity

Why did he put on clothes BEFORE he saved the goldfish? #WaitingForAPunchline #DarkCity

Why did he put on clothes BEFORE he saved the goldfish? #WaitingForAPunchline #NoSeriously #DarkCity *

Who told Kiefer that he was good here? He’s acting like Igor. #NotKidding

You are probably terrified,  ignore that and listen to the gibberish I am spewing at you. -Kiefer Sutherland

You are probably terrified, indeed I am serious, ignore that and listen to the gibberish I am spewing at you. -Kiefer Sutherland #DarkCity

I woke up in a bath tub and someone has threatened to kill me. Screw your hotel tab.

Jennifer Connolly , Swanky old-school jazz nightclub. We painted her on bombers.

Smooth jazz and fine Kentucky bourbon=Jennifer Connolly singing Sway. #DarkCity

In this scene, Igor will be played by Brain. #Pinkysfriend #DarkCity

The hotel manager is an improvement. The rookie cop is annoying. #UnnecesaryShare #DarkCity

Blondes never rescue ME from nosy cops. #DarkCity

Dead boobs. #MorbidTweet

Cartoon crazy person. Why does it work?

They can do fingerprints? In this day and age?

Jennifer Connolly breaks my brain every time she’s on screen.

Ring conversation in the police station was way too obvious overshadowing.

Still better dialogue than than anything on TV.

Hooker with a sense of humor?

Gods what a body. #BoobTweet

Awkward little kid moment. followed by a neutered profanity.

That’s a pretty elaborate billboard for a place that doesn’t exist.

Is that the German officer from Inglourious Basterds?

When did I put in the Matrix? #DarkCity

Head sperm.

This movie possesses the best email handle ever. #InsideJoke #BestFriendReference #DarkCity

Is she a  movie-line speaking robot? #JenniferConnolly #DarkCity

Cheating whore-bot! #JenniferConnolly* #DarkCity

Amnesiac babbling.

I’m going to bitch about how hard my job is BEFORE I chase the person I think is a murderer. -William Hurt #DarkCity

Cabbies suck in every reality.

Creepy Kiefer is not fun.

@nerdist is a very wise man. #WTF #Rrandom thought #CryForAttention?

Kiefer has the worst hair for the character.

I think M. Night ripped this movie off. #NerdPuzzle

This is a level of crazy that should strike fear.

I do NOT like this scene. #Crazy

Is it intentional that William Hurt has a mark on his head in the same place where Sewell was bleeding? #DarkCity

The science in this movie is so great. The ape analogy is so prescient.(I’m not sure that tweet means anything.)

The men in black, are roaches right? Giant roaches. What if roaches had a spaceship, how would they treat us? #DarkCity

This is what Cobb saw in his nightmares in Inception. #DarkCity

It doesn’t line up but it makes sense. are our brains unique or are we the product of our experiences.?

Some human beings really are special. but they’re still human beings with the same problems everyone has. They’re not all dicks. -Wil Wheaton in my head

We’re still human beings with the same problems everyone has. We’re not all dicks. -Wil Wheaton, in my head #DarkCity*

Mr. Hand’s imprinting was an incredible scene. “I have John Murdock in mind.”=why film exists

Oh please don’t kill the cute hooker.

Mr. Hand is the same as Murdock. he was before the imprinting. he is the next level just like Murdock.

more out of place crazy. This time it’s exposition. And brutal, train-based suicide. Cool. #IAmA sociopath #OrAmerican

Hand wants to get a handy. #InappropriateTweet #DarkCity

I miss my friends. Stupid depressing movie. #DarkCity

I am going to sleep well tonight,” alien roaches with my memories in their head” are dancing through mine. Nope, no nightmares at all.

The roaches forgot they left an old man in an attic every night. #PlotDevice #DarkCity

Or did they? #HorrorMovieTeaserTrailer

Another dead Hooker. yeah, that’s what I said.

Accordion in the police car. I’ll say it again. Accordion. in. the. POLICE. CAR.

We are a gullible animal. Or maybe it’s just me.

Serious question,  how long have these people been here?

If it exists, this is what Hell looks like for me.

Why did he just give up the whole plot?

If this city is built on stolen memories, these people were abducted in the 20’s?

So what’s more real, reality or our perception of reality? #DarkCity

The truth is out there. Wait? what?

This narrative really falls apart in the third act. Too much exposition.

This movie is incredible in hi-def.

Mr. Hand is the first roach with a soul.

I want a sequel to Lost In Space. #DarkCity

Why did they break a hole in the wall? (Seriously, they picked up sledge hammers and ripped up the wall just because… why? What would seriously possess them to do that?)

Yep, please let me sleep, even in hell.

The overt theatrics of the finale ruined the earlier fear.

The brain dump was incredible. He still made the time to fix his eye.

In the end, the humans still win. Yea us. We are the best, whoo!

I honestly don’t remember any of this. The last five minutes of this are awful (hard to watch).

when did I put in Chronicle? #DarkCity

Rufus Sewell just played the best Clark Kent there.

I’m a god right? That’s what you just told me? I’m gonna go hang out on the beach all damn day. duh. #DarkCity

*Adapted for Twitter