September 9, 2013
Long lonely drive back from Syracuse today after a long and lonely drive up there, despite 5 kids in the van. Had my therapy appointment today and it even seemed like Pam was upset at what I did last week. I know she’s not, she could care less either way, but she clearly saw something that confused her: how can I have made so much progress and in a single moment fucked it all up. Thoughts of suicide came back. Not serious, not really. Still, when all I want to do is talk to someone I love about it, and everyone else seems too busy with their own shit, it’s depressing. I texted Jared, he responded in a typical Jared fashion and still after the exchange was over, I felt as though he doesn’t want to be my friend as much as I want to be his. I wonder if calling Jason my best friend on the podcast hurt his feelings, or if perhaps Heather said something to him that caused him to turn against me again like Andy did before, or has he simply “grown up” and no longer interested in the things I’m interested in and thinks that we have nothing in common anymore? I want to talk to Kristen about how sad I am, how sad this makes me, but I get the feeling from her that she’s too upset with her own issues that she couldn’t care about mine. As I type this out I realize how stupid it sounds and I remember that I should never assume anything. Let the other person tell me if they don’t have time or can’t be bothered, don’t not talk because you think there mind is already made up. And even as I think that, I then think I still probably won’t.
I think about stories I’ve heard that suicidal people go on meds only to get better enough to actually go through with it and I wonder if that’s why my thoughts have returned. I think I should go to the Mental Illness Happy Hour forums and talk to others and then I think, “No, that’s one more thing I don’t have the time for.” Bad grammar notwithstanding. I hate ending a sentence with a preposition. I think that SFC Hawkins is right that I need to take care of this and myself first, and that I can trace my specific work-related issues right back to that moment in November. Then I think I need to send up that IG complaint before they try to kick me out of the Army. And then I talk myself out of it.
Maybe I should call Tim again, I think. But then that means admitting to him that I’m a giant piece of shit. Yesterday for the first time in a long time I felt awesome because Brad Trachtman told me I was funny, and smart and he liked the way my brain worked. Today I realize that someday in the future someone could say of me, “Hey did you know that Jesse Holt was in the Army once? He was even a recruiter,” just like people talk of other celebrities who used to serve in the military. Today, I get home and I’m sad, hungry, depressed, angry. Kristen is upset because we won’t have the money we need to pay our bills at the end of the month. meanwhile I stare at the 60” tv, think about the 55” in the other room and don’t say a thing because I’d rather not have a fight right now.
All I want to do is crawl into my black leather chair and meditate. Perhaps hopefully have an out of body experience which is why I started meditating in the first place and knowing I’ll probably fail at that too. So, instead I sit here in the dark, writing out how I feel, regretting everything I’ve done this entire day, fuck, for the last whole month really, and thinking that wrecking my car and killing myself in a way that couldn’t be proven as suicide would be the best thing to happen to everyone I know. Last time I felt like this, I had lots of alcohol in my system. This time there is none. What to do?